Reviewed by
Linda Wanfried

Research for this book was supported in part by the Consortium for Collaborative Research on Social Relationships of Children and Youth with Diverse Abilities, federal money from The Office of Special Education Programs, U.S. Dept. of Education. I am happy to see my tax money being spent to support research about these special friendships.

When I decided to review this book, I was hoping to learn a few tips on how to support our son's efforts to socialize. I would like to help him have a friend. Like many of our children, he has never had one, doesn't know what he's missing, couldn't care less. We know how good it is to have and be a friend, to give and take, share confidences, trust.The book came through with lots of good information.

When I read the stories of these children and the connections they made with each other, it was touching. I had to get out the handkerchief and snorffle a few times. The children who chose to befriend the special kids were so special themselves. They were socially mature, capable, independent. The friendships were reciprocal, each child got what he or she needed out of it. In the case of one pair of girls, they were both sensitive, lonely, and somewhat overwhelmed by the busy environment. They could be calm and quiet together, gaining a sense of confidence and security. For a pair of boys, one had the opportunity to be a leader, increase his status in the classroom, and elevate his self esteem at a vulnerable time in his life. His friend benefitted from unconditional acceptance and trust. The things that the children gave and took in their friendships changed over time. As long as both parties benefitted, they seemed to continue.

"Friendships cannot be conjured up at will. Friendship is about choice, chemistry, and reciprocal attraction between two individuals. While adults do have influence over the nature of proximity, and they can create and foster environments that promote the development of potential friendships between children, we are not "friendship sorcerers". (quoted from page 153)

Here is another quote, from the mother of a typically developing child whose son attends an inclusive classroom. It shows that inclusive education helps the community at large to accept and appreciate all people.

"The first time I went into an inclusive class was when Sean (child with severe disabilities) was there. It scared the daylights out of me. I had never been around people like Sean before and after two hours my nerves were shot. Sean would scream and I just didn't know what to say or do when he would come toward me. At dinner that night I said to my son, "I'm sorry I don't agree with this. I think those kids should be put in a special school because it's too distracting to have Sean there. How do you put up with him?" Well Jason (my son) got mad and said to me, "Sean is a very nice kid and he should be there because where else would he go?" Jason defended Sean's right to attend school with his peers. I wasn't convinced right away, but as the year went on and the more Jason talked about it, the more I began to open my eyes to this experience. I am so happy that Jason is having this experience and I only wish that I had had a similar one as a child." (Staub, 1995)

In an interview, one father said, "We didn't go to school with full inclusion. If our children grow up with people who are disabled it won't be a problem for them as adults as it is for us".

The book gives information for teachers and principals on how to manage inclusive classrooms, and how to support friendships. Children may need help learning how to interact positively. Teachers may need to learn to foster a community of belonging, so that all children can have a sense of membership and well-being. At the end of the book, there is a list of other books to read further about friendships. There are summaries of the books as well as title, author and publishing company. This book presents a powerful argument in support of inclusive schools and communities. You may not agree with this, but it would be hard to be unaffected by these poignant stories.